How to Make It As a Fitness Model!

August 23, 2016

So You Wanna Be a Fitness Model?People that follow my stuff know I generally write about nutrition, supplements, training, and other topics that are more science based than subjective topics, such as what is covered in this article. I decided to shuck my science geek persona, and write on a topic I know will be helpful to thousands of would be and want to be fitness models.As well a known “hard core” science based no BS writer, why I am writing what some will perceive as a “fluff” article? Over the years I have gotten hundreds, perhaps thousands, of gals that ask me via email, letters, or in person “how do I become a fitness model Will? You have been in the business a long time, surly you of all people should know.” I get this from newbies and I get this from women that have been at it a while but have been unable to “break in” effectively.The fact is, I have been in the fitness, health, and bodybuilding biz a long time, and though I am known as a science and nutrition based “guru” type, I have trained many a fitness athlete, and judged fitness and figure/bikini shows for the NPC, Fitness America, Fitness USA, and other federations as well as given marketing and business advice to all sorts of athletes, including fitness models. So, it’s not as far fetched as it might seem that I am going to use this space to cover a non scientific topic, which is, how one goes about being a fitness model.This article will be useful to both experienced and novice types looking to “break in” to the biz. If you are already a professional and successful fitness model, I am sure you may still glean some useful information from this article.First the bad news, there is no one way to become a successful fitness model. There is no single path or magic secret. There are however some key things a person can do to greatly improve their chances of “making it” in the fitness biz as a model, and perhaps using that success as a launching pad to greater things, such as movies, TV, etc.Several of the top fitness models (Trish Stratus and Vicki Pratt come to mind but there are many others) have gone onto careers in entertainment of all kinds. Bottom line, though there is no magic secret to being successful as a fitness model, this article will be about as close to a blueprint for success as you will find.”Do I need to compete?”This is a question I get asked all the time and it’s not an easy one to answer. In fact, the answer is (drum roll) yes and no. The person has to deicide why they are competing in the first place to answer that question. For example, do you need to compete if your goal is to be a successful fitness model?The answer is no. Many of today’s well-known fitness models have never competed, or they competed in a few small shows and it was clearly not part of their success as fitness models. However, competing does have its potential uses.One of them is exposure. At the upper level shows, there will often be editors, publishers, photographers, supplement company owners, and other business people. So, competing can improve your exposure. Also, competing can make sense if you are trying to build a business that is related to your competing or will benefit from you winning a show.For example, say you have a private training gym you are trying to build. Sure, having the title of say Ms Fitness America, or winning the NPC Nationals and being an IFBB pro, will help your reputation and the notoriety of your business. There are many scenarios were it would help to have won a show for a business or other endeavors.On the other hand, it must be realized that winning a show does not in any way guarantee success in the business end (and it really is a business) of being a fitness model. The phone wont ring off the hook with big offers for contracts. Also, it’s very important to realize that it’s common that the 4th or 6th or 8th place finisher in a fitness or figure show will get more press than the winner. Why? Though the winner might have what it took to win that show, it’s often other gals the editor, publishers, supplement companies etc, feel is more marketable.I have seen it many times where the winner was shocked to find she didn’t get nearly the attention she expected and other girls who placed lower have gotten attention in the form of photos shoots, magazine coverage, etc. Something to keep in mind when you ask yourself the important question “do I need to compete and if so, why am I competing?” Answer that question, and you will know the answer to the heading of this section. Winning a title of some sort can be a stepping stone, but it is not in itself any guarantee of success in the fitness industry. It’s like a college degree; it’s what you do with it.Now. If you compete for the fun of it, then by all means go for it, but the above is focusing on competing as it relates to the business aspect of being a fitness model.

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Right body, wrong federation?Ok, so after reading the above you have decided you are going to compete, or will compete again. If you don’t plan to compete, you can skip this section. The biggest mistake I see here is so many gals have the right body for the wrong federation. Each federation has its own judging criteria and a competitor will do poorly simply because they didn’t bother to research which show would be best suited for them.I will give you a perfect real world example of this. Recently I judged a show whose criteria for the figure round was the women should be more on the curvy softer side with some tone, vs. being more muscular and athletic with less bodyfat that other federations might allow. At this show one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen came out. She was very proportional, great muscle tone, lean, and athletically shaped with narrow hips and waist and wider shoulders. How did she do at this show? She didn’t even place in the top ten!Why? Because she was not what we were instructed to look for and didn’t fit the criteria. After the show I informed her that she looked great, but this may not the federation for her. I told her she had much more of an NPC type body, where a little more muscle, athletic build, and less bodyfat is rewarded.The following week I was judging an NPC fitness, figure, and bodybuilding show and there she was. How did she do? She won the entire show with all judges voting her number one unanimously.Conversely, if your body type tends to be more rounded and toned, but with a little more bodyfat, wider (but not fat!) hips, you may be better off competing in say the Fitness America Pageants. If you are going to compete:(1) find out exactly what the judging criteria is for that federation and(2) go see those shows as a spectator for several different federations and see which one your physique, style, etc will fit into best.(3) You have to decide if you truly have the athletic abilities to compete in a fitness competition (which requires a routine) or a figure/bikini competition.I often see women who would do well in a figure show but really don’t have the athletic abilities do the routines required to be competitive with other athletes in the show. Some shows will allow you to do both competitions and some wont.Networking 101: dos and don’ts…In so many respects, this is the area that will make or break you in any business, and yet, people in the fitness industry do an amazingly poor job at it. If you don’t network and market yourself properly, you can pretty much forget about having any real success as a fitness model, or a success in virtually any business. For the sake of space, we will stick to fitness.When I first started out, I was a self marketing machine. I could be found at every show I thought might be an opportunity, walking the isles of trade shows, bodybuilding, shows, fitness show, and others. I gave out a zillion cards and I took a million home with me, and followed up on each and every one. I went to as many industry related meetings, outings, parties, etc. as I could get into. I now have the reputation and experience in the industry that I don’t have to go to such a show unless I feel like it, or have meetings, but they were quite helpful in the beginning.I am always amazed at the number of fitness models who contact me who have never even been to the Arnold Classic Fitness Weekend, or the Mr. Olympia, or the trade shows like the NNFA Expo West and others. If you want to make it in the fitness business you sure as hell had better treat it like a business.I have seen many a pretty girl who wants to be a fitness model who thinks if they stand there looking pretty long enough, someone is going to offer to put their face on the cover of a magazine. News flash, there are millions of beautiful women out there and to be noticed, you have to hussle to get that business like everyone else by networking your butt off, or having a good agent (if you can afford such a thing) who is doing it for you.Pick a few major industry shows to attend (some of which were mentioned above) and go to them every year. Have a plan of attack of exactly how you plan to market yourself and network. Many fitness models, bodybuilders, etc see a show as one big party. If that’s you, then have fun at the party, but don’t think you are really marketing yourself as a serous business person or athlete.Another thing that always amazes me is the number of fitness models who either have no business cards, or have some cards they printed up on their bubble jet printer at home! They ask me to help them or what ever and I say “give me your card” and they look at me like “I am so pretty I should not need a card you fool.” This attitude turns off editors, photographers, writers, and industry people faster then if they found out you were really a transvestite. Don’t do it. For every pretty girl out there who thinks the world owes them a favor, there are 100 who are ready to act like professionals.Ever wonder why some fitness model you know is doing better than you are even though you know you are prettier than her? That may be why…never ever go to a show to network without good cards, bios, and professionally done head and body shots you can give to said editors, publishers, photographers, industry types, etc. Don’t stand around looking pretty assuming they will find you, find them first and introduce yourself. And of course it should go without saying you should be in good condition and have something of a tan to look your best.You want to go to the shows and party? Fine, but do it in private after the work is done and don’t make a fool out of yourself at some industry sponsored get together. Hell, I was virtually poured into a cab at last years Arnold Classic after going to a sushi place with some well know industry types and companies owners (you know who you are!) but at least no one saw me! We had our own little private get together after the show to let loose.Let me give you one final real world example of how NOT to market yourself. Last year I was on retainer as a consultant to a mid sized supplement company. The owner of the company asked me if I knew a couple of fitness model types that could work his booth for a trade show. In fact, he requested “unknowns, some new faces people had not seen yet but had real potential to grow with the company.” I went and found him two such gals I thought fit the bill.He offered to pay their flights, room, and food plus a thousand dollars each for the days work. The two girls were told to be at the booth 9am sharp. The night before at the hotel, I saw the two girls getting in a cab at 11pm or so dressed to kill, clearly on their way out to party. The next day they showed up at the booth an hour and a half late and hung over! What was the result of this? (1) it embarrassed me to no end as I had recommended them to the company owner (2) they would never get work from that company again (3) they would never get any work from me again and (4) they would not get a reference from either of us for other jobs.I see this type of thing all the time in the fitness biz, and it’s not limited to fitness models. Amazingly, a few weeks after the show they emailed me and the company owner wanting to know when their next job would be! Amazing…Who loves you baby?If there is one universal truth, it’s that the camera either loves you or it does not. Any professional photographers will tell you this. For some unknown reason, some people are very photogenic and some are not. Truth be known, there are some well known fitness models (who shall remain nameless as they would probably smack me the next time they saw me) who are not all that attractive in person. It’s just that the camera loves them and they are very photogenic, but not terribly pretty in person.Conversely, I have seen the reverse many times; a girl who is much better looking in person than in photographs. Such is the fate of the person who wants to be a model of any kind, including a fitness model. If you find you are not very photogenic, keep working with different photographers until you find one that really captures you well and pay that photographer handsomely!Now, to be bluntly honest, there are also some want to be fitness models who are not “unphotogenic”, they’re just “fugly”! There are some people out there who have no business trying to be fitness models. It does not make them bad people, it just means they need to snap out of their delusions and find a profession they are better suited for, like radio personality….”How do I get in the magazines?”This section sort of incorporates everything I have covered above, and adds in a few additional strategies. For example, as I mentioned before, competing in fitness shows and or figure/bikini shows can increase your exposure, thus getting the attention of some magazine publisher or photographer. Networking correctly at the various trade shows may also have the same effect, and of course having a good portfolio done by a photographer that really captures your look, a good web site, etc., will all increase your potential for getting into the magazines, or getting ad work, and so on.However, all of these strategies are still somewhat passive versus active in my opinion. It’s still the fitness model waiting to be “discovered.” As far as I am concerned, waiting is for bus stops and pregnancy tests. Success waits for no man…or woman as the case me be. So, after all the above advice is taken into consideration as having an added effect to getting you magazine coverage, what else can be done?For one thing, you should read and be familiar with all the magazines you want to be in so you know who is who and what the style of the different magazines are. I can tell you right now, if say the Editor-in-Chief of a good sized fitness or bodybuilding publications and says “hi, I am the Bob Smith what’s your name?” and the fitness model has no idea who Bob Smith is, Bob will not take kindly to that. Why should he? You should know who the major players are in the publications you want to be seen in. He is doing you the favor, not the other way around. You should know who the major players are and actively seek them out, don’t wait for them to “discover” you.

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If you look at the masthead inside any magazine, it will tell you who the publisher is, who the Editor-in-Chief is and so forth. The mailing address for that magazine, and often the web site and email, can also be found. What is to stop you from looking up those names and mailing them your pictures and resume directly? Nothing, that’s what. If you see a photo spread you think is really well done, what is to stop you from finding out who the photographer is and contacting them directly and sending them your pics? Nothing, that’s what.My point being, you want a get a break in the business, make the break, don’t sit there thinking it’s looking for you, because it’s not. Be proactive, not reactive! Luck is the residue of design. Be successful by design. As my older brother used to say to me as a kid when I told him I was too scared to ask out a pretty girl “what’s the worst that can happen Will? All she can say is no.” That’s the worst that can happen to you also.Beware of web idiots, schlubs, morons, perverts, scum bags, and sleazoids!This part is sort of self-explanatory but worth mentioning. As with all industries that deal in entertainment based media (e.g., television, theater, modeling, etc.), the fitness industry attracts its far share of web idiots, schlubs, morons, perverts, scum bags, and sleazoids, to name just a few.There is also the class of person known as the schmoe, but we will leave that for another place and time. Point is you want to meet the right people while not getting involved with that group of worthless types who will only drag you down, delay you, or just flat out screw you up and over.For example, a guy comes up and says he wants to “shoot you” for the magazines, but what do you really know of this guy? He has a camera and some business cards, so that makes him a photographer right? Wrong! If someone want to shoot you and they are not a well-known name (and you should know who the well known photographers are because you researched that already!), find out who they are. Do they have references you can call? Girls you can contact he has shot before and were happy with the work? What magazines has he published in? Does he do it professionally or as a hobby? That type of thing.Another thing I see is the big web scam. I’m amazed how many girls get scammed by these web idiots. Lesson here is you get what you pay for, so when some person wants to build you a web site for free, you are getting what you pay for. Yes, there is good money to be made on the ‘net, and the net can be great for marketing yourself and making contacts, but most of it’s a scam.You are better off paying a good web designer and web master who has experience with other fitness model types and has references you can talk to. I can’t tell you the number of girls who have been screwed over by some internet thing that went to hell, like the “fan” who volunteers to build a free web site and either runs off with any money made from the site or puts their picks on porn sites and any number of other things that made them regret like hell ever agreeing to the site in the first place.Clearly, I can’t go down the list of all the possible pitfalls of the web idiots, schlubs, morons, perverts, scum bags, and sleazoids out there to be found in the entertainment business, but you get the idea. Be careful!Conclusion.Well that pretty much concludes my down and dirty guide to the basics of “making it” as a fitness model. Of course there are tons of business related issues I could cover and tricks I could give, but the above is the best advice you are going to find in s small space and will do more for you-if properly followed-than you may realize.Good luck and see you in the magazines!More articles like this at:FIGURE/FITNESS MARKETING EXPLAINED

National Center for the Performance Arts

September 3, 2016

The newly opened National Center for the Performance Arts, formerly named the Chinese National Grand Theatre, is the largest performing art center in the world. It is shaped like a massive, silvery dome in the heart of China’s capital that offers Chinese and international art performances of the highest standards. It hosts opera, ballet, musicals, dance, dramas and traditional Chinese performances.Situated west of Tiananmen Square in Beijing, the National Center for Performance Art occupies an area of over 149,500 square meters. There are three gigantic halls located inside: a 2,416-seat opera house, a 2,017-seat concert hall and a 1,040-seat theater. Its goal is to become the center of Chinese performance art culture. The National Center for the Performing Arts took nearly five years to build at a cost of over 2.69million RMB.Designed by the famous French architect Paul Andreu, this imposing building is a fine example of modern architecture. It has been thought of as resembling an eggshell, a baozi (Chinese steamed bread), or even a giant bubble. The National Center for Performance Arts has been listed among the top ten architectural miracles by the USA, for its energy-saving and environmentally-sound design. The center has three firsts: it is the largest sky dome in the world, the deepest building in Beijing, and is home to the largest pine organ in Asia. As its prompters have said, the National Center for Performance Arts has a lush dazzling interior, sophisticated acoustics and a design that that is superior to most of Europe’s or America’s performing arts centers. This building is so unique that it stands out amongst the nearby government buildings in central Beijing and the imperial grandeur of the centuries-old Forbidden City.

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The interior design of National Center for Performance Arts, it is quite spectacular. The dome’s interior is paneled with long Brazilian mahogany spans, giving the expanse an amazingly warm feeling. While the walls of the theater, the smallest of the performance spaces, are covered in thick padded silk which is divided into red, purple and tangerine strips. The ceiling of the grey-white color-schemed concert hall consists of undulating waves of acoustical panels that resemble abstract art. On the exterior shell of the center, there are over 500 lights that shine like the stars in the sky, making the National Center for Performance Arts looks like a visitor from the outer space.Even though the exterior appearance of National Centre for Performance Arts is futuristic in design, it does not clash with nearby buildings. Surrounded on one side by a large pool of water, the reflections in the water form an impressive sight day or night. For this reason, National Centre for Performance Arts is said to appear like a “bright pearl resting in a lake.Most visitors to the National Center for Performance Arts, come for the performances, but there is much more to this beautiful building than just the three gigantic halls. There are also many smaller places located inside the National Center for Performance Arts such as: an underwater hallway, an exhibition hall, olive hall, library center, Press-release hall, souvenir shop, and a coffee house. In these locations, visitors or audience members can enjoy other aspects of this amazing building other than just performances.The Center’s management has hired the best performers from throughout China to perform. Musicians such as pianist Yundi Li, and Lang Lang are regulars to the National Center for Performance Arts’stage. Many foreign troupes are vying for a chance to perform during the center’s opening season. The first foreign troupe to perform on the stage of the National Center for Performance Art was the Mariinsky Ballet Troup of St. Petersburg(still marketed in the U.S. under its Soviet-era name, the Kirov Opera and Ballet). Although the center’s musical groups,ballets, symphony orchestras, and Chinese opera have received far less attention, they are also performed by some of the best artists in China.

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To allow each audience to fully and comfortably appreciate each performance, the National Center for Performance Arts has makes great effort in its design of the opera house, concert hall and theater. The materials used in the construction of the opera house were chosen for their ability to control sound. The ceiling of the concert hall is designed so that each audience member will enjoy an unforgettable experience. The theatre, the place with the most distinctive Chinese characteristic, has the most advanced stage facilities and the largest auditorium. Each seat in the National Center for Performance Arts is placed over an air vent which will allow each audience member to enjoy perfectly controlled temperatures, and each seat is designed with a muffling devise so that no sound will be made when audience members stand up,or sit down. These many different features of the center has been put in place to insure each audience member will receive the most from each performance they see.Even if visitors to Beijing have no interest in watching a performance at the National Centre for Performance Arts, a visit to the center will leave a deep impression on them. It is one of the most brilliant architectural designs in the world, and worth a visit.

Selecting and Clearing Music For Radio Commercials

September 12, 2016

Proper music selection and proper music clearance for radio commercials is an important step in the radio advertising process. Whether you are a radio station, an ad agency, a voice-over talent, or an independent production company it is imperative that you do a good job choosing the right music for your spot, as well as getting the proper music clearance for your project. Royalty free music libraries are a great place to start, as they have many different styles of music that can be previewed online.Choosing the right song is typically the easy part. As you sit down to create your radio commercial, ask yourself the following question: “what is the mood that I need to support with my choice of music?” For example, if you are creating a public service announcement designed to tug at the heartstrings, your music choice should be emotional, mild, and slightly dramatic. On the other hand, if you are trying to sell the latest and greatest fitness equipment, you probably would want to steer the music toward some high energy, workout music. Ultimately, the music and the copy need to support each other. A radio commercial with well selected music can bring a far greater return than one that is put together without a lot of thought given to the production music.

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For most people, proper music clearance is a bit more complicated than selecting your music. For example, if a radio commercial is read as a “live spot” on the air, the station can use almost any music in the background that is covered by their ASCAP or BMI licenses. The key here is that the music is not repeated consistently, or used so frequently as to be construed as theme music for that particular radio commercial.On the contrary, most radio commercials are produced once for multiple broadcasts. Regardless of who is producing the radio commercial or where it is being produced, proper music clearance is a vital step in staying on the right side of the law. When you synchronize a piece of music with your commercial, you will need to get music clearance from the owners or representatives of that musical work (the music publisher) and of the owners of the master recordings (sometimes the publisher, sometimes the record label, sometimes the artist, etc.). Royalty free music libraries are a great place to start because they can typically grant full music clearance on both the musical work (copyright) and master recordings.

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If you are hiring someone to create your radio commercial for you, the responsibility for the music clearance typically falls on the radio station, ad agency, or production company who actually creating the spot for you. It is always a good policy to discuss music clearance with them to make sure everyone is on the same page.

Numerology’s Life Cycles; defining the patterns of your Life

October 24, 2016

Numerology divides your life into three major stages or cycles. Each of these cycles has a general trend or pattern for that part of your life. Want to know what your life patterns are?Calculating your Life CyclesThe timing of your Life Cycles is tied to your Life Path. Your first Life Cycle runs from birth to your first Turning Point; which is calculated by subtracting your Life Path from 36 (four times nine). Your Second Life Cycle starts at that point and ends 27 years later (3 times 9) when your last Turning point falls. Your third cycle runs from the end of your second life cycle for the rest of your life.Each Life Cycle value is calculated based on your date of Birth. Your first life cycle value is your birth month, reduced by fadic addition; your second cycle value by reducing your day of birth; and your third cycle value by reducing your birth year.For example, actor Johnny Depp was born on June 9th, 1963; so his Life cycles are calculated as follows:Life Path = (06 + 09 + 1963) = (1978) = (1 + 9 + 7 + 8) = (25) = (2 + 5) = (7)Life Cycles:(First Life cycle ends) = (36 – 7) = age 29

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(Second Life Cycle ends) = (29 + 27) = age 56(First Life Cycle – birth to 29) = (Month) = (6)(Second Life Cycle – 29 to 56) = (Day) = (9)(Third Life Cycle – 56 and up) = (Year) = (1963) = (1 + 9 + 6 + 3) = (19) = (10) = (1)The various Life Cycle values and their meanings are shown below:Life Cycle (1)This cycle will call for you to be independent and stand on your own two feet. You will receive many new opportunities during these years. You will have to be decisive, self-reliant, and attend to your own needs. Leadership in some task will fall to you during these years, even if you don’t want it.Life Cycle (2)This cycle will hold many opportunities to work with other people, either in teams, or as part of a large group. You will make many friendships and will be sensitive to other people’s opinions in these years. You will crave companionship and may receive public recognition of some kind.Life Cycle (3)This cycle will be pleasant and will allow your creative work to prosper. It is likely that you’ll waste many opportunities in order to enjoy yourself. Your social life will be the dominate factor in your life. You will often be restless and bored in these years. You also will appear to be very lucky to other people.Life Cycle (4)This cycle will demand a good deal of hard work from you. Mundane matters will need your attention. You will often feel restricted or regimented during these years. You will receive opportunities to lay a strong foundation for success at both your work and home life. You will have to guard against becoming depressed and getting in a rut.Life Cycle (5)This cycle will be full of changes of all kinds. Your interests, your career, your circumstances will all tend to change quickly and drastically. Surprising, often unlooked for, adventures will come upon you, challenging your adaptability. Your communication skills will be very important during these years.Life Cycle (6)This cycle will focus most of your attention upon your domestic life. There will be a constant effort to achieve ‘balance’ in your life during these years. You will often be asked for advice and given many opportunities to be creative. You will be forced to take on many responsibilities.

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Life Cycle (7)There will be a great deal of soul-searching and self-analysis during this cycle. You will crave solitude for your thoughts and will tend to be confused in crowded or noisy environments. You may achieve a great deal of personal growth. Worldly wealth will come to you at its own pace. Opportunities will occur suddenly in these years.Life Cycle (8)This cycle will bring you slow and steady progress in your personal goals, if the needed work is done. You will sow what you reap during these years. Good or bad, you will get your just deserts. You will need to fight against a tendency to be overly ambitions. Goals will be set and tasks will be performed all in good time.Life Cycle (9)This cycle will bring you endless possibilities. These years will be highly emotional for you. You may find it difficult to start new projects. Frequently, sudden or unusual endings of things will occur. The practical side of life will need more of your attention during these years. This cycle will be a good time for creativity, especially in artistic endeavors.

Help For the Partners of Sex Addicts

October 26, 2016

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ’s)· What is sex addiction?Sex addiction is an obsessive relationship to sexual thoughts, fantasies or activities that an individual continues to engage in despite adverse consequences. These thoughts, fantasies or activities occupy a disproportionate amount of “psychic space”, resulting in an imbalance in the person’s overall functioning in important areas of life, such as work and marriage. Distress, shame and guilt about the behaviors erode the addict’s already weak self-esteem.Sexual addiction can be conceptualized as an intimacy disorder manifested as a compulsive cycle of preoccupation, ritualization, sexual behavior, and despair. Central to the disorder is the inability of the individual to adequately bond and attach in intimate relationships. The syndrome is rooted in early attachment failure with primary caregivers. It is a maladaptive a way to compensate for this early attachment failure. Addiction is a symbolic enactment of deeply entrenched unconscious dysfunctional relationships with self and others.While the definition of sex addiction is the same as that of other addictions, sexual compulsion is set apart from other addictions in that sex involves our innermost unconscious wishes, needs, fantasies, fears and conflicts.Like other addictions, it is relapse prone.· How do I know if my partner is a sex addict?Sometimes, it’s difficult to know whether someone close to you has an addiction. The addict might hide the addictive behavior or you might not know the warning signs or symptoms.Here are some of the signs and symptoms:* Staying up late to watch television or surf the Web.* Looking at pornographic material such as magazines, books, videos and clothing catalogs.* Frequently isolating themselves from spouses or partners, and doesn’t inform them of their whereabouts.* Are controlling during sexual activity or have frequent mood swings before or after sex.* Are demanding about sex, especially regarding time and place.* Gets angry if someone shows concern about a problem with pornography* Offers no appropriate communication during sex* Lacks intimacy before, during and after sex, and offers little or no genuine intimacy in the relationship* Does not want to socialize with others, especially peers who might intimidate them* Fails to account for increasing number of toll – 800 or 900 – calls* Frequently rents pornographic videotapes* Seems to be preoccupied in public with everything around them* Has tried to switch to other forms of pornography to show a lack of dependency on one kind; concoct rules to cut down but doesn’t adhere to them* Feels depressed* Is increasingly dishonest* Hides pornography at work or home* Lacks close friends of the same sex* Frequently uses sexual humor* Always has a good reason for looking at pornography (Psych Central.com).· Why can’t he/she control his/her sexual behavior?It’s important for you to know that your partner is not volitionally involved in these behaviors so you can begin to understand and, perhaps, forgive. Most addicts would stop if they could.It’s been said that of all the addictions, sex is the most difficult to manage. This syndrome is a complex mixture of biological, psychological, cultural, and family-of-origin issues, the combination of which creates impulses and urges that are virtually impossible to resist. Despite the fact that acting them out produces considerable long-term negative consequences, the addict simply cannot resist his/her impulses. Individuals who are highly disciplined, accomplished and able to direct the force of their will in other areas of life fall prey to sexual compulsion. More importantly, people who love and cherish their partners can still be enslaved by these irresistible urges.Research has also shown that the inability to control sexual impulses is associated with neurochemical imbalances in the norepinephrine, serotonin and dopamine systems. The use of certain anti-depressants (SSRI’s) has thus shown to be very effective in treating the impulse control problems of many sexual compulsives.Biological predisposition contributes and combines with psychological factors. One of the reasons the “erotic haze” is so compulsory is that it is an unconscious but maladaptive way to repair earlier disturbed, anxiety-laden relationships. It shores up an inadequate sense of self which results from these early-life interpersonal abandonments, intrusions and misattunements.This combination of biological and psychological factors results in an “affective disorder” in the sex addict. Feeling of depression, anxiety, boredom and emptiness are quickly alleviated by immersing oneself in an imaginary world that provides novelty, excitement, mystery and intense pleasure. Sex addiction is better than Prosac. It heals, it soothes, it contains, it provides a “safe place” free from the demands of actual performance, and it gives an illusory sense of belonging. The sense of empowerment in the illicit sex act rectifies “holes in the soul” and lifts the addict from feelings of inadequacy, insufficiency, depression and emptiness into a state of instant euphoria.Relinquishing this very special (but delusional) mental and physical state can result in a sense of withdrawal which may include mood swings, inability to concentrate and irritability. These symptoms usually disappear in therapy as the sense of self is solidified and he finds more creative ways to deal with uncomfortable feelings.· What are the effects of cybersex addiction on the relationship?Effects of sex addiction on the sex addict’s partner can be numerous, encompassing a wide range of emotions and reactive behaviors. The sexual codependent’s experience is similar to, but not thoroughly identical to, a codependent person in a relationship with a substance abuser. A codependent partner of a drug addict or alcohol, for example, may manage to understand and even sympathize with her partner’s alcohol problem due to the lesser social condemnation.But a compulsive addiction that involves engaging in sexual activities on the computer or outside of the home inflicts a psychic injury of ultimate betrayal. Sexuality goes to the heart of who we are.Arguable, one purpose and outcome of cybersex is to detach and disconnect sexual experience from real relationships in life. Cybersex’s primary stimulus to autoerotic behavior produces profound disconnection of the sexual experience from relationship context and meaning. Compulsive viewing of pornography, for instance, in no way supports or fosters intimate, attachment-linked sexual gratification, anchored in emotional connection, intimate responsiveness and relationship fidelity.Cybersex addiction reinforces a non-intimate, non-relational, and non-demanding sexual experience — a detached, disconnected physical arousal geared to the self-engrossed preoccupation typical of addictive sexual behavior. Cybersex entrenches emotional, psychological and spiritual/existential disconnection of sexuality from relationship context. Entrance into the “erotic haze” that encompasses the sex addict induces sexual arousal, climax and resolution without real relationship attentiveness, responsiveness, or commitment – the key dimensions of a loving attachment.The behavior directly undermines trust in the couple’s relationship. Thus, the sexual dynamics depicted in cybersex are inherently detrimental and destructive to secure attachment that is essential to a sense of trust in the relationship.It is also reasonably anticipated that a husband’s deception and lying – the existence of a “secret world” apart from the primary relationship is an overlapping, yet also separate detrimental influence upon relationship trust.For some women, this lack of trust in their husband’s word – leads to uncertainty about the “substance” of the man they married, uncertainty about his true identity and a change in their perception of his identity – that of seeing him as fundamentally untrustworthy and of disreputable character. Thus, their internal model of their husband changes.Others may feel that the husband is unable to fulfill marital expectations of emotional intimacy and companionship. They talk about not trusting that their husband would fulfill the role of being someone who could provide emotional support. They feel unable to turn to their husbands for this emotional support for different reasons: fearing she would trigger a relapse; feeling rejected because of his involvement in computer sex; sensing her husband’s inability to provide emotional support; being shamed by a husband’s angry or dismissive response from her attempts to reach out for support and companionship; or resolving that her husband was emotionally preoccupied with his own struggle with addiction.The addict’s use of cybersex causes self doubt and lowered self esteem in the spouse. These women feel they aren’t pretty enough or skinny enough, or whatever. In any event, the feel that they are not what their husbands want. Some feel that if they were more sexually desirable, he wouldn’t have this problem. Sometimes, in a frantic effort to compete with unreal women on the internet or with prostitutes, they go to extremes with cosmetic surgery, breast implantation, excessive exercise – in the mistaken belief that if she can lure him back sexually and her husband would stop being interested in pornography and the marriage could be redeemed.Some spouses feel that her husband’s use of internet pornography is a direct attack on her self-worth. They start doubting themselves. They doubt their self-worth. They start doubting the things that used to make them feel special and meaningful. Because if she had any meaning, why was he doing what he’s doing?The wife is often stunned, confused, and in extreme pain upon discovery of the sexual/cybersex addiction. Anger and resentment can be overwhelming. For many partners, the addict’s betrayal can precipitate trauma that resembles post-traumatic stress disorder.A wife can believe that sex is the most important way to express love, so her partner’s sexual acting out can leave her feeling deeply inadequate and unlovable.Within the union, the partner’s low self-esteem can contribute to anxiety and fear of being abandoned. Often she will set aside her moral values and tolerates participating in sexual behaviors with her partner which are unacceptable or even repugnant to her. She feels too unworthy to have solid sexual boundaries. She mistakenly believes that she can stop his acting out if she satisfies his (insatiable and unrealistic) sexual needs.A surprisingly common effect reported by many partners – after the shock of discovery -is the feeling of losing one’s mind. Obsessing about the details of the sex addict’s betrayal, repeatedly confronting her partner with “evidence” of infidelity and being told she’s “crazy” or “just jealous” results in a loss of focus and an inability to concentrate. Fear and anger aggravate the condition. Furthermore, there is an element of intense shame for both addict and sexual codependent attached to sexual addiction, especially if his interests involve an object, cross-dressing, dominance and submission or children. She isolates herself from friends, family and community due to her shame, which provides fertile ground for depression. In some situations, the partner is brought to a point of absolute despair.Some maladaptive strategic responses the sexual codependent may engage in as a means of coping include excessive alcohol consumption, food binges, excessive house cleaning, and overtime career activity; acts that can serve as distractions from her distrust, pain and hostility. Distractions, of course, provide only a temporary and false “relief” and often create more problems than they solve.When the partner’s anger and resentment are suppressed over a period of time, they eventually explode in a volcano of rage, blame, and furious criticism of the sex addict.The explosion of frustrated emotions can open a door to enormous guilt and remorse, so the partner may forgive the addict’s offenses and not stand clear in setting boundaries for herself. The result is an unfortunate snare for the couple, in which the partner unwittingly enables the sex addict to carry on with his unacceptable pattern of sexual acting out.The converse is true regarding the emotional influences on the wife. She may turn inward, withdraw, stay silent and distant. This can include withdrawing from any sexual activity with the addict. These stonewalling behaviors can ignite strong feelings of shame and rejection in the sex addict. In a way, the partner succeeds in punishing the sex addict through these behaviors. But the price of this punishment may be a return to his active addiction as a way to deal with conflict at home.A tremendously debilitating effect on the partner is to assume all responsibility for the addict’s sexual acting out, and even for all of the problems in the relationship. The sex addict may exploit this to his advantage, perpetuating self-doubt within the partner.For example, the partner may confront her spouse with evidence of a transgression, like a credit card charge to a hotel, but the sex addict is skillful and experienced in deception. He will boldly challenge the partner’s credibility, suggesting she see a “shrink” for being so paranoid and suspicious of him. He can persuasively feign righteous indignation, causing his partner to distrust her own instincts and perceptions, even in the face of tangible evidence.The self doubt can plague the partner, aggravating her confusion and contributing to the feeling of “losing my mind”. Not wanting to continue to feel “crazy”, she may retreat into denial, the basic and most fundamental defense mechanism for both partner and addict. When in denial, she will believe the addict’s lies, however far-fetched they may be. She will accept the unacceptable. Whichever lies the sex addict offers to cover up his addiction, she is compelled to “not rock the boat” in order to assuage her abandonment fears.· What are the characteristics of a sexual codependent?Firstly, let’s consider what codependency is. Codependency is an overworked and overused word and definitions can be confusing. At core, it revolves around a deep fear of losing the approval and presence of the “other”. This underlying fear can result in manipulative behaviors that overfocus on maintaining another person’s presence and approval. Control, obsequiousness, anger, caretaking, and being over-responsible are among the behaviors that can be the manifestations of codependent behavior. Because of dysfunctional family-of-origin issues, codependents learn to react rather than respond to others, take responsibility for others, worry about others, and depend on others to make them feel useful or alive.Codependence also refers to the way events from childhood unconsciously produces attitudes and behaviors that propel people into destructive relationships in the present. The self worth of the codependent comes from external sources. They need other people to give them feelings of self-worth. Codependence is a particular relationship with one’s self in which the person doesn’t trust his or her own experiences. Lacking the inner boundaries necessary to be aware of and express their true wants, feelings, goals and opinions, they are “other-validating”. Having only a reflected sense of self, they constantly seek affirmation and validation from other people because they are unable to endorse and validate from within. “Self-validating” people are able to do this. Co-dependents often focus on an addict’s sobriety as a way to achieve a precarious sense of self- consolidation. Sadly, their behavior often perpetuates the loved one’s addiction.Codependent people believe they can’t survive without their partners and will do anything they can do to stay in the relationship, however painful. The fear of losing their partners and being abandoned (once again) overpowers her ability to make decisions in her own best interests. The thought of addressing the partner’s addiction can be terrifying: they may be frightened of igniting the partner’s anger which can result in feeling emotionally flooded by (childhood) fears of loss.The sexual co-dependent suffers from additional symptoms: driven by the potential loss of the relationship, which she sees as identical with her very identity, some women engage in sexual activities with their partners that they find distasteful or even morally repugnant – all in an effort to keep him home and happy. However, this type of fantasy-based acting out may not be based on her real sexual needs and desires and opens the way to turning his partner into yet another object. Certain kinds of sexual acting out can turn sex into another fix for him. The partner senses this, making her sense of sexual betrayal even more poignant.In couples where one partner is ciphering off his erotic energies from the primary relationship, there are invariably problems with the couple’s own sexual expressiveness. He becomes sexually demanding. She expresses her resentment about this by not being sexually responsive. He may lose erotic interest in her, as she never lives up to the thrill of fantasy-based sexual enactments. The sense of having a person-related, intimate sexual encounter may diminish. Erotic expression between the couple can easily dry up, leaving the sexual co-addict feeling even more diminished as a woman and as a person.Sexual co-dependents have an inordinate need to get the information straight. “Detectiving” is a common activity: checking his computer, looking up names and numbers, or desperately looking for scraps of paper with numbers written on them. One client even invited a prostitute her spouse had frequented into her home because she wanted to know the details. The need-to-know provides the partner with a way to check up on her own reality (“Am I crazy or is this really happening?”) and provides her with a sense of much-needed (although illusory) sense of mastery over an out-of-control situation. Especially in light of the addict’s continual denial, the co-addict has a need to provide “evidence” to ensure her soundness of mind — a ploy that rarely works and is exceedingly exhausting.The final distinction between sexual co-addicts and other co-dependents is the shame associated with this “secret”. Sex as an addiction is rarely discussed in “polite society” and there is a huge social stamina associated with it. Sexually addicted clients often tell me that they’d rather be alcoholics or drug addicts. The stigmatization of this compulsion almost ensures that the sexual co-dependent will want to hide or to provide a good “front” to deal with feelings of shame and despair. She may become socially isolated because she can’t discuss the situation with friends. Depression easily enters into an emotional environment of isolation and shame. Keeping secrets about important dimensions of life ensure that the issues underlying them will not be healed.· What’s involved in therapy for someone who is the partner of a sex addict?There is hope. The pain the sexual co-dependent experiences is normal. Learning a partner is sexually addicted can be devastating and debilitating. The betrayal triggers a myriad of strong emotions. Feelings of anguish, despair, rage, hopelessness and shame may overtake her. She may feel alone in unchartered territory, wondering “Where do I go from here?”Psychotherapy is extremely important. Be sure to find a therapist conversant with these issues. What should happen in your therapy?Treatment for sexual codependence can become a process of continued growth, self-realization and self-transformation. Working through feelings of victimization can lead to a new sense of resiliency. Going through this process can be an avenue to discovering meaning and to building stronger self-esteem. Challenges faced can elevate one to a higher level of well-being. A sense of serenity and peace from the appreciation of having worked through this process may occur.Lessons not learned in the family-of-origin can be now be learned and worked through: appropriate self-esteem, setting functional boundaries, awareness of, acknowledgment of and expression of one’s personal reality without undo fear of retaliation, and taking better care of one’s adult needs and wants while allowing other adults to take care of theirs are all potential gains to be made in therapy and recovery.Internal and external boundaries will be strengthened. Strong external boundaries will ensure that you will not again put yourself into a victim role. A sense of having internal boundaries will open up new avenues of healthy intimacy as you will know who you are and be able to hear who another is. At the heart of healthy intimacy is the ability to share your real self with another and be available when someone else shares his real self with you.The sexual co-depenent may find she no longer needs to bend herself into a pretzel to accommodate others. Rejection or disapproval may be unpleasant, but not devastating. Compromising personal integrity in order to get external approval and validation will cease. With increased self-knowledge comes the ability to Self-validate while still being in a relationship. Self esteem will be generated by her behaviors rather than the approval or validation from others.Finally, time and energy spent on preoccupation and control of the addict can be used to attend to emotional support for the children, to recommit to and obtain increased satisfaction from work, to meet new people, and to develop new recreational activities.· How can I possibly forgive him?Despite the fact that it may seem impossible, forgiveness is a critical part of recovery for the partner of a sex addict. To forgive is not to forget. Forgiving means being able to remember the past without experiencing the pain all over again. It is remembering — but attaching different feelings about the events, and it is a willingness to allow the pain to have decreased relevance over time. Understanding the pain, compulsion and despair that the sex addict has undergone from sexual compulsion can open avenues to compassion.To forgive is important primarily for oneself, not for the person one forgives. The opposite of forgiveness is resentment. When we resent, we experience the pain and anger all over again. Serenity and resentment cannot coexist.The process of forgiveness begins with acknowledging that a wrong has been done to you. You have to recognize that you have strong feelings about what happened and you need to feel and process those feelings. You are entitled to be angry or hurt. Ideally, you can share those feelings with the person who has hurt you in couples counseling. If that is not possible, then you can share the feelings with your therapist or support group. After that, you can choose whether to stay in a relationship with that person. In either case, forgiveness does not imply permission to continue hurtful behaviors. As part of your own treatment, you need to decide which behaviors you can accept in your relationships and which you cannot.The primary goal of forgiveness is to heal yourself. In a partnership affected by sexual addiction, forgiveness is aided by evidence of the partner’s changed behavior and commitment to treatment. These are also elements in rebuilding trust. For many couples, forgiving and learning to trust again go hand in hand. Both take time, making amends, continued treatment and steady, continual, trustworthy behavior on the part of the addict.After the acting out has stopped, it’s critical to not use his past behavior as a “hook” to punish or manipulate him. When a desire for revenge exists, you have not forgiven, and you see him in one dimension (“Bastard”). The capacity to see him as a whole person (he’s not just a sex addict, he’s many things) will help you move forward. Couples therapy will help you move toward a sense of him as a multidimensional person with on-going issues.· I’m incredibly frustrated that he/she won’t tell the truth. Even when I present “evidence”, he denies his sexual acting out. How can I ever trust a man who so blatantly lies to me?Sex addiction thrives in secrecy. Addicts will go to any length to protect their double life. Denial, (“Don’t Even Know I’m Lying”) plays a huge part in any addiction process. The reality of the acting out is protected from the conscious mind. If the addict is unaware of the truth, how can he tell you?The very thinking process of the addict becomes impaired as he becomes immersed in the denial process, giving way to the minimization of the extent of his behavior. This connects with “rationalization”: i.e. “I’m not really cheating” – “All guys do this” – “I’m not hurting anyone” – “I work hard so I deserve some pleasure.” This combination of denial, minimization and rationalization makes it extremely difficult for him to know the truth.More complexing is the phenomenon of “dissociation”, or “The Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” syndrome. Dissociation is a clinical process that characterizes multiple personality disorder. While I’m not saying the sex addicts have MPD, I am suggesting that some of the same characteristics of that disorder are shared. One side of the personality protects the other side from the truth. Some level of dissociation is in every man who has a “double life”. Each side of the personality has different values, goals, beliefs and needs that conflict with the other side.This is why, when the sexual acting out is finished, the addict feels so distressed and shameful. Mr. Hyde does the acting out and Dr. Jekyll experiences the remorse.When the addict is acting out, he has feelings of being disconnected from himself and his environment. Clients speak of “the bubble”, the “erotic haze”, “zoning out”, and “feeling apart from myself and watching myself from afar “, of feeling “foggy” or “not feeling like a real person” Losing track of time is common as is feeling outside oneself as both an observer and a participant. Emotions are numbed; the fantasy creates an alternate reality which obscures the truth of “what is”.Once in therapy, a primary issue that arises is a feeling of a fragmented sense of self or being unsure of his identity. Therapy will help him get to the bottom of hidden parts of himself that he may not have fully understood or been able to control until treatment starts to work. Only by getting in touch with hidden parts of himself will the full realization of his talents and strengths be realized and fulfillment in his personal relationships can begin to unfold.· I don’t see how our relationship can survive the emotional pain and chaos of his sexual addiction. Have other couples been able to work through these issues? How have they done it?When at least one member of a couple is sexually addicted, restoring trust and building intimacy can be very difficult. These couples must work as hard on their recovery together as a couple as they do on their individual recoveries.One of the great challenges to recovery from sexual compulsivity is restoring or building an intimate relationship with a committed partner. Many existing relationships are seriously impaired and often don’t survive because of sexual acting out. The partner of the sex addict’s ability to trust is obviously damaged. The psychodynamic and behavioral issues underlying sexual addiction contribute to obstacles to overcoming and building intimate and committed relationships.The good news is that we have seen from our experience that not only is it possible to repair, rebuild, or newly build a committed relationship, but the level of emotional and physical intimacy that comes from working on these issues together is sustaining, gratifying and growth-producing for each member of the couple.· How can couples counseling help us?Most couples who come for couples therapy after discovery are in a high state of reactivity, with communication being limited to blame/defense. There is a high degree of projection (seeing the things you like least about yourself in your partner) and a small degree of self-focus. The tendency is to react immediately and emotionally, with no time given for reflective thinking. One task of the therapist is to create a safe, non-volatile space by gradually guiding each person to commit to self-focus which reduces blame and defense.The therapist will do some psychoeducational pieces on sex addiction and co-addiction to normalize each person’s feelings and further reduce blame. Nothing can be done about the quality of the marriage unless each person commits to a personal program of recovery: an “S” meeting for the addict, and COSA or S-Anon for the co-addict. The couple can come out of the shadow of shame about living with sex addiction through identifying with others who have gone through similar experiences. Here, finally, they find people they can talk to about what they’ve been hiding from family and friends. Regular attendance at meetings gives structure and accountability to the life of the sex addict. A co-addict who works on the steps with a trusted sponsor is renewing her commitment to focus on herself and her own issues, renouncing her focus and pre-occupation with the addict.Sex addicts and sexual codependents usually have never experienced healthy bonding with and nurturing from their parents. This impairs their ability to have successful bonding and separation in subsequent relationships in adult life. The therapist might construct a “genogram” which is a graphic depiction of three generations of each person’s family. It shows psychiatric and physical problems throughout the generations such as alcoholism, divorce, hospitalizations,etc. The genogram also reveals the quality of family relationships, indicating where there was enmeshment and where there was distancing. With a clear understanding of family-of-origin issues, the couple can understand themselves and each other and develop awareness of what triggers are coming from the past.Couples counseling enables the couple to reach a point of mutual interdependence in which both partners have lives outside of the relationship, but also feel committed to it. The partners need each other, but are comfortable with independent lives of their own. Over time, each develops a new sense of “Self”-in relationship.Both members of the relationship are encouraged to accept mutual responsibility for the dysfunction in the relationship. As long as one partner is blaming the other for all of their couple problems, progress will be slow. Recounting the history of the relationship will be a part of this process. How have each other’s addictions and co-addictions affected the relationship? What consequences have been experienced? What strategies have the partners tried to heal themselves that haven’t worked? What are the repetitive arguments and fights? What is the nature of the collective shame in the relationship? How does each partner trigger the other’s issues?Each individual in the couple learns how to exchange instant gratification for the joy of ongoing intimacy. Sexual addict/codependents find that this intimacy and the trust, mutual understanding, and the emotional/spiritual/physical closeness it creates from having done the work can be qualities that few couples ever experience.

Sexual Roleplaying – What it is and the Best Way to Do It

September 7, 2016

Roleplaying is simply when participants adopt and act out characters that are not themselves. Sexual roleplaying therefore is when couples act out characters with an erotic motivation as part of a sexual fantasy. It can range from being serious with costumes, accents, props, etc. to just being something that is imagined, like being stuck on a deserted island. Practically any role could be involved in sexual roleplaying as long as both people involved are interested. Pretending to be someone you are not can be fun and exciting when done correctly.Roleplaying can also be good for a marriage as it may be an opportunity for a spouse to ask for something she has always wanted done to her or done for her, but never felt comfortable asking for. For example, in a roleplay where the wife is the dominant person (boss) she might feel more open about telling her husband (employee) that she wants to have her body rubbed in a certain way that she had never asked for before. The reduction of inhibitions can be great for a marriage as inhibitions are a killer of sexual enjoyment.Some roleplaying scenarios are:* Animal-related where one is treated as a non-human animal such as a dog or pony
* Hospital fantasies involving doctors, nurses and patients
* Stranger-related one or both spouse pretend to “meet” for the first time
* School related – Headmistress and Student or Teacher and Naughty Schoolgirl
* Photographer and Model
* Stripper and Client
* Business related – Boss and Employee, Boss and SecretaryIf this is your first time thinking about roleplaying, start with something simple, like Photographer and Model and then move on to ones where the acting requirement is a little higher.Roleplaying is a lot of fun and is easy, but there are a few important requirements:1. It requires open communication
2. It requires a willingness to participate
3. It requires honesty
4. It requires not taking yourself too seriously
5. It requires establishing rulesLet’s examine these requirements in a little more depth.1. Roleplaying requires open communication – Roleplaying can involve actions that when taken too far, might be uncomfortable for one or both partners. Let’s say a couple pretends to be strangers who meet in a bar. They pretend to have different pasts and even different names. As the night continues, the husband begins to feel uncomfortable being called a different name. As soon as he realizes this, he needs to be able to communicate with his wife that he wants to end the fantasy or just be called his real name and continue, or another option he feels comfortable with. Whichever he chooses, being able to discuss that with his wife, even in the middle of the roleplaying, is vitally important.2. Roleplaying requires a willingness to participate – Perhaps a husband wants to be the boss and have his wife pretend to be his secretary with a German accent. His wife should not worry about whether that makes sense, if she knows what a secretary does all day, or if she has any idea what a German accent sounds like. She should give it her best try and of course, have fun!3. Roleplaying requires honesty – The husband finds his new doctor very attractive so he gets his wife to pretend to be a doctor and tries to make the fantasy about his new doctor. This is NOT a situation in which roleplaying should be used, nor is it the purpose of roleplaying. The husband needs to be honest with himself about his motivations for the roleplaying. He may not need to tell his wife he is attracted to his doctor, but he definitely should not start a roleplaying session with the goal of thinking about anyone other than his wife. All sexual fantasy, including roleplaying, is just a tool that helps married couples increase their sexual pleasure with each other.4. Roleplaying requires not taking yourself too seriously – In a roleplaying session, the husband might pretend to be an airline pilot while the wife pretends to be a stewardess. Since neither of them have real airline clothing, they make do with what they have. His outfit leaves him looking more like a butler than an airline pilot which could lead him to cutting short the session out of embarrassment. Instead if he is able to play around and ignore the idea that he looks silly, he will probably end up having a great time.5. Roleplaying requires establishing rules – Similar to open communication, rules are important should something need to change or stop during a roleplaying session. This might be as simple as “no” means “no” or could be something that has been pre-arranged as in a certain stopping time for a specific situation. A couple should always stay where they are both comfortable even if a fantasy heads in an unplanned direction. Also, setting and timing need to be right (as with any sexual encounter). Perhaps a roleplaying scenario was planned for today and a wife comes home from a horrible day at work. A postponing may be in order. Again, the ultimate point of roleplaying is to have fun and enjoy each other.

The Controversy of UK Agricultural Land Conversions to Housing

September 11, 2016

What are seen as the controversies around converting land from agriculture to housing?The value of UK Green Belt and agricultural lands is undisputed. But the environmental costs of modern farming and housing needs are part of the conversation as well.Anybody considering making an alternative investment in strategic land will know that Britain unquestionably needs more homes to accommodate a growing population. According to the Office for National Statistics, more than 4.4 million homes should be built by 2016, largely in response to two factors: A decennial growth rate of 7 percent, as measured in Census 2011, and lagging new home construction that fails to keep up with this population increase, largely attributed to the stringent lending standards of banks following the 2008 economic crisis.At least one group claims the solution is to build on Green Belt land. The Policy Exchange, a centre-right think tank, said in late 2012 that the supply of land near cities that is kept unbuilt is a drag on the housing market. They argue that swaths of English countryside that typically surround towns should be opened up for development. The fourteen Green Belts in England cover about 13 percent of the country, enveloping about 60 percent of Britain’s population (about 30 million people).The Policy Exchange faces plenty of headwind in its positions. Since the “garden city movement” of the early 20th century, the effort to combat urban sprawl led by such groups as the Campaign to Protect Rural England (CPRE) and the London County Council sought to maintain open spaces dedicated to recreation, forests and agriculture as a social good. But the Town and Country Planning Association has proposed since 2002 the adoption of more flexible policies toward Green Belt lands, suggesting that instead of a growth-stifling “belt,” that “wedges” and “strategic gaps” might allow a natural expansion of urban areas.

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Famously, the head of Natural England, whose charge is entirely to ensure protection and improvement of flora and fauna, said in 2007 “we need a 21st century solution to England’s housing needs which puts in place a network of green wedges, gaps and corridors, linking the natural environment and people.”Agricultural land outside of Green BeltsOf course, land away from the major cities is green as well, much of it in use for agricultural, forestry and recreational purposes. More than 80 percent of the landmass in England and Wales, 12 million hectares, are used for farming and forestry. Local planning authorities can more easily rezone the lands outside Green Belts when market factors, such as the demand for housing development, call for it. Since 2000, about 1500 hectares of agricultural land has been converted to housing development every year.Of course, similar sentiments understandably still exist relative to the bucolic perceptions of farming in the U.K. But environmentalists take exception to how modern agricultural methods, which include excessive application of fertilisers, can actually burden nature with its by-products:• Toxic build-up. 100 million tonnes of sewage sludge, compost and livestock manures applied annually to agricultural lands is leading to a build-up of potentially toxic elements such as zinc and copper, and more than half of sensitive wildlife habitat experiences harmful acid and nitrogen pollution, according to a paper published by Environment Agency UK.• Loss of soil. About 2.2 million tonnes of topsoil is lost each year due to intensive cultivation, some of which is instigated by compaction from heavy machinery and livestock, which precludes plant growth and leads to runoff in rain. (source: Environment Agency UK). To be fair, some runoff is noted as well from building sites before landscaping is completed.• Water quality compromised. About 70 percent of sediments found in water come from agriculture, and those sediments can carry metals, pathogens, pesticides and phosphates.Such problems due to modern agriculture plague the planet, as similar pollution levels are reported throughout Europe, Asia, North America and Australia. Africa, Brazil and Argentina, the newer frontiers for agriculture, are expanding arable croplands to meet global food demands but also exhibit a host of environmental sins.The food-housing tugThere is no denying that the housing needs in the UK must be met – and soon. A whole generation of families are postponing children or living in cramped quarters, awaiting homes they can afford or at least rent to accommodate their members.But Brits need to eat as much as sleep. So how to balance the use of land for each?A number of approaches are being tested. One is to encourage development of so-called brownfield lands, which include properties that may require remediation from previous industrial uses. These lands are often within towns or immediately adjacent to them, some with excellent access to existing urban infrastructure while others are cost-prohibitive for a variety of reasons (no existing infrastructure, undesirable locations for housing or extensive environmental remediation required).

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SustainableBuild.co.uk is a web publisher that considers the balance between development and environmental sustainability from a very pragmatic standpoint. The site offers several points on how land conversions to development can have a negative effect, which include: converted greenfields are quite unlikely to be converted back to nature; there is inevitable loss of habitat for animals and plants; a loss of employment for agricultural workers; and a loss of Green Belt land that provides geographical definitions and separations of cities, towns, villages and hamlets (I.e., American-style urban sprawl).Answering the problem of diminishing agricultural lands is a nascent movement to small-scale, organic agriculture on greenfield lands. SustainableBuild notes, “There are greenfield sites that are not being used for any purpose, for whatever reason. Development must consider all human and environmental factors, not just consume land and space for short-term solutions. A sustainable vision would look at all the options for land use, human population expansion, urban sprawl, economic considerations as well as environmental needs.”Which, in a country with a growing population and a concurrent appreciation for the environment, is perhaps the most realistic and pragmatic approach.

A to Z Guide to Wedding Planning!

September 29, 2016

A is for Atmosphere
Setting the scene for the perfect wedding can be a daunting task and with wedding trends changing rapidly over time, it can mean decision making is hard. Often the best place to start is by thinking about the formality of the event and how you would like your guests to feel on your wedding day! Whether you choose a relaxed garden wedding with subtle coloring and natural tones or a themed wedding at a wild venue with bold wedding colors and outlandish wedding decorations, whichever way you go it is the wedding atmosphere that you create that will generate the most memories!

B is for Bachelorette Party & Bridal Shower
Second to choosing your bridesmaids, this is often the next stage in the planning of your pre-wedding activities! This is the event, other than the wedding itself, that the girls look forward to most! Renowned as the tamer of the two, a bridal shower is a gift-giving party held for a bride-to-be in anticipation of her wedding, it is a time for the females in your life to get to know each other and to share advice before your big day.The Bachelorette Party also known as a hens night, hens party or hens do on the other hand is deemed “an evening of debauchery,” a girls night out in honor of the bride-to-be in the style that is common to that social circle. This is when the bridesmaids take control, organising silly outfits for the bride, dares and games along with gifts for the girls including name tags, fun drinking straws along with personalised bachelorette koozies for a unique gift idea!

C is for Ceremony
Ultimately your ceremony, the moment where two people are united in marriage, is the reason you are planning this special day. The way that you choose to perform your ceremony and the wedding reception that follows are often linked in formality and theme and the options are endless.For the ceremony you will have to give some thought to the location, a church or temple, beach, garden or formal venue often this is driven by the choice for a civil or religious ceremony. Most ceremonies have a similar structure, with your vows, readings and music making a personal service.

D is for Destination Wedding
More and more couples are escaping the traditional big celebration wedding in favor of a smaller more intimate ceremony in an exotic location. Whether your destination wedding is overseas or interstate it can still take a lot of organization, not only for the couple and the wedding day itself but in making it fabulous for the guests that have gone that extra mile to share in your special day!

E is for Engagement
Congratulations on your Engagement, let the fun begin. Start with your engagement announcements, maybe a notice in the newspaper to inform the community or an item that you can send in the mail to let your friends and family know the good news! If you are moving fast you could even add your wedding save the date to your engagement announcement to help with your planning budget.Some couples will choose to have an engagement party, an opportunity to celebrate with family and friends and for future guests to get to know each other before the big day. Engagement party favors are often handed out to the guests as a thank you for attending, such as candy treats or custom beer koozies to take home as a memento.

F is for Favors
Wedding favors also known as bonbonniere are small gifts given as a gesture of thanks to guests from the bride and groom. Wedding favor ideas have become a major part of wedding planning, with modern gift trends including: CDs with the favorite music of the bride and groom, candy jars, picture frames and wedding koozies. Gifts may also be personalized with the couple’s names, initials or wedding date and even an individual guest name to create a gift and place card.

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If you choose wedding Koozies as your wedding favors then it is a great idea to start browsing the designs a few weeks before you need them to be delivered. There is an extensive range of designs available to help you create the perfect match to your wedding color scheme, theme and more. Please read a previous article to help with your design; Personalized Wedding Favors on a Budget – Inspiration for Wedding Koozies to Wow Your Guests!

G is for Gift
A wedding present is a gift taken by a guest to congratulate the couple on their marriage. There is usually some etiquette when it comes to gift giving, some couples may choose to take the hard work out of this for their guests and have a gift registry with a wish list to choose from. Others may have a wishing well, this is where guests can anonymously drop cards and monetary gifts into a box known as a wishing well to help the couple on their way to starting a new life together.

H is for Honeymoon
A honeymoon is the traditional holiday taken by newlyweds to celebrate their marriage in seclusion. Jetting off to somewhere exotic and romantic is not uncommon although the holiday should be something of choice that suits the couple’s outlook and interests. For couples on a budget a destination wedding can be a great way to spread the cost making the addition of a few days for a honeymoon easy.

I is for Invitations
Wedding invitations are a great way to set the scene for your guests. As a follow on from your wedding announcement or save the dates, your wedding invitations can be fun or formal but should be informative and hold an RSVP date so that you can keep to a deadline in your wedding planning.In modern times the way an invitation arrives is becoming more and more imaginative, you might choose a link to an online wedding website where guests can respond electronically or include a link to a video message. Items sent in the mail can also be creative and unique such as origami style folded gifts, printing a message on a balloon that can only be read once blown up or sending custom wedding koozies for your guests to enjoy at home and on bring on the day!

J is for Jewellery
Wedding jewellery can be simple and sophisticated or bold and colorful. This is a very personal choice that that bride will make when choosing her wedding dress and bridal party attire.Sometimes traditional jewellery will be passed down the generations within a family, bridal accessories can include earrings, bracelets, tiaras and hair combs to name a few.

K is for Kiss
“You may now kiss the bride”… the words that the groom has been waiting for all day! Many couples will have a discussion prior to the wedding about the kiss, some even finding this the moment that makes them most nervous! Questions like, how long should it be? Should it be a full-on smooch? Or just a peck? What is the etiquette in wedding kisses? The answer to which is that there is not really an etiquette, just show each other how happy you are to be making this promise to each other and show this off to your guests, just bear in mind that you might be in front of your parents, grandparents and young children.

L is for Love
LOVE. An intense feeling of deep affection and the reason you have been ploughing all of your time into planning the ultimate wedding celebration. Say no more.

M is for is for Music
One big question for your wedding reception, DJ or Band? Often the answer to which is dependent on budget, formality of your event and location. There is also the decision of which music you should be walking down the aisle to, creating an amazing playlist that will get your guests on their feet and of course the first dance! Here are our choices for a first dance song;Top 5 First Dance Wedding Songs

Make You Feel My Love – Adele

You Are The Best Thing – Ray LaMontagne

Kiss Me – Ed Sheeran

The Way You Look Tonight – Michael Bublé

Better Together – Jack Johnson

N is for New
If you are following tradition in the sense of the rhyme “something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue” then this is your something NEW! You can include your wedding dress as your something new if it is made to order, or perhaps one of your bridal accessories or a fancy new pair of shoes. Let’s face it when it comes to your wedding there will be a whole heap of items that you can consider using to tick this box!

O is for Outdoor Wedding Venue
Weddings are often planned for the perfect weather, the most popular seasons for a wedding are spring and summer so that you can have great light for your wedding photographs and that you have the best chance of enjoying sunny spells outdoors with your guests over welcome drinks.Your outdoor wedding venue might be in a national park, flower garden, winery or a beautiful beach, whichever you choose for your outdoor wedding be sure to have a wet weather plan on hand, just in case!

P is for Photographer
Wedding photography for a lot of couples is a big box to tick. It is lovely to be able to capture your big day and all of that hard work into images that you can cherish for years to come. Choosing a photographer can be a daunting task, be sure to ask around for recommendations, view portfolios of previous work and get to know your photographer so that they learn to capture what is important to you. Looking at your photographs together as a family is a beautiful way to connect after the event, each image will tell its own story and each story will be a memory captured for life!

Q is for Quiz
The Mr & Mrs Quiz, the ultimate quiz that any bachelorette should have to complete on their ‘last night of freedom’..! It is a fun way for the maid of honor to connect with and get to know the groom before the event. She will prepare a series of questions that the groom will answer, things can of course get a little cheeky depending on the formality of the bridal shower or bachelorette party, the bride will then need to see how many answers she can match to the groom’s responses, often followed by a forfeit for every wrong answer.

R is for Reception
Wedding reception, this is the fun part, after you have nervously said your vows in front of your family and friends you can relax with food, drinks and dancing at your wedding reception. Wedding reception ideas include a formal sit-down meal, cocktail reception or a casual beach BBQ. You can usually leave this up to your wedding planner or venue to organise, that way you can enjoy the celebration and spending time with your guests.

S is for Save the Dates & Stationery
Your wedding announcement and first item of wedding stationery is your Save the Date! An ideal gift used for long engagements this is designed to be sent out to your guests well in advance of the formal invitation, once you have your date set you can mail these out so that your guests can save the date in their diary. Some popular methods of sending a save the date include; postcards, calendars, tickets, magnets, custom beer koozies and more.

T is for Table Plan
T is also for troublesome, often considered one of the most controversial parts of the wedding planning process, the dreaded table plan! Great aunt Joan cannot be near second cousin John and really you’d like to sit with your pals rather than follow the traditional top table style with your parents… at the end of the day this is your wedding and as a couple you should be able to choose a seating plan to suit your wedding formality and your guests.

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U is for Ushers
An usher, also known as a groomsman is normally a friend of the groom that has been recruited to direct guests at the ceremony, and generally be available to the bride and groom for assistance throughout the whole wedding event. The ushers would generally be dressed in the same wedding attire as the groom and best man and would feature in the formal wedding photographs alongside the bridesmaids.

V is for Vows
The exchange of wedding vows is an important part of your wedding ceremony. It can be a very romantic moment and often the perfect place to express your feelings for each other. Vows can be modern or traditional, led by a minister or celebrant, written for you or by you and can be tailored to your individual personalities.

W is for Wedding Dress
Almost every girls wedding dream begins with the dress! There are so many gorgeous styles available and all designed to suit different shapes and sizes… you can find the perfect wedding dress style amongst these… Ball gown, mermaid, A-line, Sheath. Strapless, V-neck, halter-neck, one-shoulder, illusion and more!Once you have found the perfect style, you can start to create a unique look through the color and density of the material, heavier fabrics such as brocade and jacquard or lighter materials like silk and chiffon, traditionally a wedding dress would be predominantly white or ivory in color, but these days anything goes!

X is for X -rated (entertainment at bachelor party)
Although it is not necessarily the way every groom will spend their last night of ‘freedom’, the bachelor party, as portrayed in the movie The Hangover, certainly has a reputation for being a night or indeed a weekend of debauchery! Some will go all out with a weekend in Vegas, but generally the party vibe will include trendy bars, nightclubs and, most importantly, strip clubs!Much like the bachelorette party, this is where the best man and other members of the bridal party will shine with ideas, organising embarrassing outfits for the groom, along with drinking games and dares! Gifts for the guys might include matching t-shirts, shot glasses, beer horns or custom beer koozies personalised for each of the guys!

Y is for Years
The number of years spent together, number of years engaged and then number of years married. Once your wedding day becomes a wonderful memory you have the many years of wedding anniversaries to look forward to and to celebrate. Each anniversary that passes will have a symbolic gift that is presented, there is both a traditional and modern gift here is the traditional list;

1st Paper

2nd Cotton

3rd Leather

4th Fruit/Flowers

5th Wood

10th Tin/Aluminium

15th Crystal

20th China

25th Silver

30th Pearl

35th Coral

40th Ruby

45th Sapphire

50th Gold

60th Diamond

Z is for Zero Regrets
In a perfect world, every bride and groom would have the perfect wedding with absolutely no mishaps. However, this is not the perfect world and every turn makes for a new story! Our only advice is to enjoy every minute of your special day, spend as much time with each guest as you possibly, and have zero regrets!

Say Yes to Design and Multimedia Outsourcing

August 31, 2016

Current trend in multimedia and design outsourcingIn the recent age, web based global technological interaction has become the trend and most of the successful businesses have gained success through a strong web presence. This trend is so strong nowadays that it has become a must for the businesses to possess unique and interesting websites to enhance their business communication with their consumers. All the businesses need are decent websites that offer related information and useful content wanted by the existing and the potential customers. And in order to create a unique web site, you need to get the website designed by some professional web designers in addition; you can also include multimedia content in the website.Multimedia content usually refers to a mix of dynamic audio-visual content like audio, video, still image, animation and so on, along with static text. From web pages to company presentations and business newsletters, the use of design and multimedia is extensive.

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Why should you outsourceFor many companies, the need for having design and multimedia contents is quite seasonal and it is definitely not a good choice to appoint a part of your IT division just for this type of task if you do not have a regular flow of work for them. Therefore, this designing and multimedia content creation is usually outsourced to many companies where multimedia generating and designing are not included in the core Information system (like it is in the printing and media industry). And if you have already tried to get it done by any local design company, you probably have already experienced the expensive quotes from the local design studios.In order to keep focus on the core IT procedures and to get cost effective design solutions for the multimedia contents, many companies nowadays prefer to pick a suitable offshore design studio or a designer to get their work done. In a nutshell, the major benefits of outsourcing your graphic design and multimedia content creation are:• Cost effective solution offering competitive rate structure
• Wide range of skilled and qualified graphic designers and multimedia creators
• Complete consultation for your design and multimedia needs
• Fast and reliable service.
• Easy and continuous communication enabling quick response to feedback.There are many services offered by the offshore designers like creating web pages or any sort of multimedia content. The range of services offered by the offshore design and multimedia teams/individuals are quite wide. In the current market, the most common set of services are as follows:

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Graphic Design
• Company Brochure, Newsletters, Web/Print Media Advertisements, Product Catalogues,
• Logo design,
• Banner design for WebPages,
• Other web graphics and static webpage design,
• Official envelopes, business letterheads, visiting cards etc.
• Design of calendars, posters, diaries or other promotional materials.Multimedia Content
• Flash intro for Websites or Presentations
• Websites Based on Flash
• Flash Animations and Games
• 2D or 3D Multimedia Games
• Official Presentations
• Interactive or electronic catalogue
• Audio and Video Editing
• Web based brochure and business profile

Retire a Young Military Millionaire

August 21, 2016

Being young and in the military has its advantages. One of the biggest rewards is a powerful force that will almost ensure that you can become a young military millionaire. There are simple steps you can take when you’re young that will help you harness the power of this force; making becoming a military millionaire a breeze.Attention young military personnel. You can turn that military paycheck into a million just by following a simple, consistent, investment plan. Just by automatically investing on a regular basis you could be on your way to an early military retirement. For example:-A $174 invested monthly starting at 18 years old could make you a young military millionaire by age 53.-A $701 invested monthly starting at 18 years old could make you a young military millionaire by age 40.Knowing how to handle your military money gives you advantages that the most people miss out on. You can afford an early military retirement just by following a simple investment strategy. Starting an investment plan young may be enough to ensure you become a young military millionaire.Because you have the power of compounding interest on your side it’s easy to become a young military millionaire when you start young. Compounding interest is defined as the interest earned from the initial money you personally invested from your military money plus the interest earned from the amount your investments have already returned. To clarify, the money that you already made from your investments starts to earn you money. That means that every year you are making money off money your investments have already paid you.

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By investing your military paycheck at a young age you are able to fully harness the power of compounding interest. This is due to the fact that your investments are earning you a return on the money already paid to you from the investment. The younger you start the faster and larger your investment account may grow. That’s why investing while you’re young and earning a steady military paycheck gives you a huge advantage.1) Save Money. The first step on the road to becoming a young military millionaire is to set up a simple savings plan. Pay yourself first by setting money aside into an investment before you start spending your military money. The habit of paying yourself first will benefit you throughout your life and will help you retire young.2) Invest Young. You may not of been taught how to invest in high school but don’t let that hold you back. There are simple investments available to the beginner investors that will get allow you to invest your military money young.The stock market offers some investment vehicles that are perfect for the new military investor. There are lower-risk investments that offer the potential for long-term gains that may help you to put your military money to work.One type of investment, known as broad based market index investments, may offer you a simple way to get your military money working for you. ‘Broad market index investments’ are simply investments in the overall market like the NASDQ 100 and S&P 500. To illustrate, one S&P 500 index traded fund will allow you to own a portion of all 500 stocks in that index. The S&P 500 index is one way for the new military investor to profit from the stock market without having to have a lot of experience.3) Consistent Investments. There is a basic military investment technique called ‘dollar cost averaging’. A dollar cost averaging plan is simply buying a fixed dollar amount of your broad market index investment at the same time each month. Your bank and brokerage firm can be set-up so it automatically invests the amount you want at the same time each month. Once this structure is set up you can sit back and just review your monthly statements. With a consistent military investment plan you could reap huge profits over a long-term.The basic investment method discussed will get your military money working for you. If you’re looking to become a military millionaire young there are other ways you can increase your returns. The investment vehicles discussed below take more effort however you will be able to reach your military millionaire status sooner.5. Real estate. Real estate investing can be credited with making the majority of young millionaires. It gives you the power of leverage so you are making money of money the bank loaned you. When done right you could expect to double your investment each year! Just by purchasing real estate while you’re young could easily make you a young military millionaire.

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The military offers many benefits that will allow you to become a homeowner. VA loans allow you to borrow 100% of the purchase price which means you won’t need money for a down payment in most cases. Combine that with BAH (Basic Allowance for Housing) for civilian housing and you can have your mortgage payments paid for.This is a huge benefit because you purchase a $100,000 home your property could be valued at over $570,000 in 30 years. The best part is using BAH you could of not even made a payment with your own money.6. Entrepreneurship. Being in the military you can start a part-time business that earns you an extra few hundred a month or one that surpasses your military paycheck. Either way it can help you to become a young military millionaire or just added another income so you can invest more. There are also tax benefits available to business owners that will keep more of your military paycheck money in your pocket.Becoming an entrepreneur can help you become a young military millionaire and give you the luxury of being able to retire young.The sooner you start investing the sooner you can become a young military millionaire. Start now and the take steps to become a young military millionaire today!